by Vera H-C Chan

Super Bowl Sunday is way more than a gridiron face-off. The all-American event is the ultimate couch-potato gathering, complete with guacamole dip, unashamed partisanship, and commercial excess. Amidst the usual fan frenzy of looking up the roster and betting odds and searching for team gear, a few die-hards actually zone in on "2009 super bowl commercials."
Web interest aside—and 100 million pairs of eyeballs are estimated to tune in on Sunday—ad sales have been a bit sluggish, and not all the regulars are coming back. At last count, NBC still had two empty slots out of 67 of the 30-second spots. Still, spots cost up to $3 million (higher than last year), which means companies are paying out $100,000 a second for airtime (math courtesy of The New York Times), about 3 cents per viewer (math courtesy of WCCO).
That assumes no one will blink when the commercials come on, but one poll does estimate more than half won't. And, 1 out of 5 viewers come just for those fleeting seconds between the field clashes.
As for the 2009 line-up, USA Today lists a "roster of Super Bowl ads," down to which quarter the pitches will roll. If you want a more detailed game plan on how it's all going to go down, below is a rundown on who took themselves out of the game, what didn't make NBC's standards, the special effects, and what you can get for (almost) nothing.
Getting a Pass. Among those not making a return visit: FedEx ("time for us to call a time out") and General Motors (with the mild understatement, "we're in the midst of cost-cutting"). CNET tracks the steady decline of tech ads, which saw their glory days in 2000.
Nixed. NBC has standards for its commercial (the programming, well, that's another story). The network couldn't stomach the PETA ad depicting lingerie models cavorting with cruciferous vegetables and gourds. Of course, rejection (and did we mention the lingerie?) inflamed the Buzz and prompted searches for "peta" (+142%) "banned peta commercial" (off the charts). (Incidentally, The Hollywood Reporter listed 8 cuts that PETA would have had to make to get a Sunday showing, like the "licking eggplant" moment.) On the other spectrum, NBC also said no to a pro-life video with President Obama as an unborn child, according to the Washington Times. Given that "banned super bowl ads" is a Search sideshow, these companies get to save the cash and reap the publicity.
Dogs, Denny's, and Tony the Tiger, Oh My. Among those stepping in for their pigskin premiere: Pedigree, Denny's, and Kellog's Frosted Flakes. Yes, the glam days have given way to comfort foods (well, except for maybe the dog food). Denny's pitch for its Grand Slam Breakfast doesn't quite match the sport, but the restaurant chain aims to get at audience stomachs through the funny bone. The dog-food maker will focus on adoption, while Kellog's feline flak Tony the Tiger wants viewers to choose which kids' playing field on its website should be renovated.
Three for 3D. A trailer for the animated "Monsters vs. Aliens," energy drinks, and an NBC comedy (airing the day after) will get a 3D treatment. PC Magazine gets into the technical details, although DreamWorks movie exec Jeffrey Katzenberg points out in a video blog that football fans will probably be too sloshed to appreciate the effect. About 125 million 3D glases were made and are free at places like Target and Best Buy, if there are any left.
Bribes and Surprises. Denny's promises a "special message that is sure to surprise and delight millions of Americans" (WSJ reveals it's just a breakfast give-away). The Universal Orlando resort says to look for an "unprecedented offer." Hulu aims to make a splash. Hyundai's sign-o'-the-times offer almost verges on anti-buy: Lose your job, you can change your mind on your purchase.
Ad Reruns. Because you can never watch enough ads, at least according to advertisers, some are already available online. Naturally, since this is the 21st century, the campaigns also go offscreen: The Orlando Sentinel reports E-Trade's talking baby has a Facebook profile, a food company created an iPhone "Shake and Bark" app, and a job site lets people "give tips to annoying co-workers." Does all this work? Yup, if one believes the Nielsen Company report measuring a 24% average increase in Web traffic for Super Bowl advertisers. (Album sales of the halftime acts don't do so badly either.)
Counter-programming Relief. Yes, the Puppy Bowl V returns, inducing high-pitched cooing squeals over packs of unbearable cuteness. Anthem singer: Pepper the Parrot. Token cats: Kitty Half-Time Show.